Date #10 – Shattered

I can’t stop crying. I am so upset right now. I can’t think straight, because I can’t make sense of it.  I feel betrayed in the most voyeuristic way and I feel helpless and powerless.  I haven’t eaten in three days, I can’t hold anything down because I am just so angry and stressed out; my stomach is in knots and I just want to scream!

I am all over the place but I am going to explain what happened as best I can.  They say writing is therapeutic, so I hope I make sense whilst getting it out.

I broke up with Lee three days ago.  I know this is shocking for you, so imagine how I feel?  He keeps ringing, but I will not take the call.  There is nothing he could say or do to fix this.  I am so hurt that no words can truly express how I feel.  My heart feels like it is broken.  Not just because I loved him, but also because I love myself and he has trampled all over me without consideration; he however would disagree.

I was in bed with Lee, snuggled up together and both using our phones, looking at social media while talking to each other.  I was on Facebook and he was on Instagram.  It hadn’t even occurred to me that he would have an Instagram account.  I asked him for his details and then searched him.  When his page came up, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  I scrolled down further and then I lost it.  I have never slapped a man in my life, it just came from nowhere when I turned around and propped up on my knees to face him. Lee had posted pictures of me in various angles on instagram; my face couldn’t be seen in any of the pictures, but I know my body. The shots were actually very artistic, but that is not the point.  He never asked for my permission, and that is the important fact that he seems to not understand. I was in tears and all he could say was that it was a homage to me and my beauty.  Apparently he respected me by not revealing my face, which proved he took me into consideration.  WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT? Wrong and strong, pure ignorance and no respect for my voice or opinion.  I wanted to hit him again, but this time it would have been conscious, and I do not believe in violence, so I restrained myself with all my will.  I am hurt.  I am hurting.  If he can do that, what else can and would he do in the name of art?

Source: curatebee.com

I stared in disbelief at the numerous pictures – my feet, my dimples at the base of back, my beauty spots on my side, my lips, my hands and painted fingernails; I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.  I jumped out of his bed and started putting my clothes on.  He jumped out too and tried to stop me.  He wanted to talk about it, while I had nothing to say.  He should have spoken about it with me before he posted anything, but no, common sense is not common, and hindsight can be a biatch!  What I need from a man is foresight. Think about ME, consider ME and my fu*cking feelings for ONCE.  Surely this is not too much to ask for?

“Baby please, I am sorry, just stay so we can talk; please don’t go.”  He pleaded over and over again.  He says he is sorry, yet doesn’t get what I am saying.  He is sorry cos he knows he f’ed up, but he still doesn’t fully get that he has done something wrong, and this is a major problem. How can I forgive someone who doesn’t fully acknowledge the whole picture and story?  The trust is broken and cannot be repaired.

He has so many likes on his Instagram and some of the comments are just vile.  Whilst appreciating the artistic shots, men were also expressing what they would like to do to me?  They were disrespecting me with their filthy minds, and he okayed it.  He didn’t respond to any of the comments and he didn’t need to, he disrespected me when he posted the very first pic, and in doing so, allowing others to do the same.  He turned me into an object, divided into parts to be ogled.  Fetish springs to mind.  It also felt like he was saying through the pictures, “Look what I got!”  I am not a prize, or a flippin trophy.  I am not and never will be a Kim Kardashian, because I acknowledge Sarah Baartman.  It’s not right and certainly not okay.  As his numbers grew, what would it have been next?  A sex tape?  Of course not your average sex tape, but an artistically shot one?  Get outta here!!!

“Babe no-one knows it’s you,” he said.  Again foresight would have helped him.  I saw red as I was packing my things and threw a shoe at him.  He ducked, even though he didn’t need to.  My aim hit the target perfectly, and his mirror with the yellow frame shattered. He looked at me pissed, and mouthed, “My mirror.” (It is sentimental, but I really don’t care).

“My heart!” I shouted while pointing at the million shattered pieces.  “Your friends follow you on Instagram, and I have met some of your friends.  Do you not think they are able to piece this together?  Wake up!”   He didn’t consider me at all in this, and he still isn’t.

It only takes one action to destroy a relationship.  Once trust is broken, what do you have?  Due to the rise in selfies, taking pics of yourself and body has become the norm.  However with selfies you are giving yourself permission to express how you want to be seen in that moment.  It matters not what my feelings are around people who obsessively do this, the point is they are in control.  Lee took away my power and my voice.  How can anyone be okay with that?

I stormed out, but not before erasing every single picture of me I could find, I deleted his Instagram account and threatened him.  If I see any pictures of me, especially out of spite or revenge, I will report his arse to the police.  F*ucking BASTARD, how dare he?

This hurts so much!

Copyright Naddine Bentley