I Have Never Been In Love… Is This A Dealbreaker?
Falling in love is something most people can say they have experienced in their lifetime. But what if you haven’t yet? Is that a bad thing? Our first time lurve spy shares her wonderment…
I am a woman approaching 40 and I have never actually been in love… at least I don’t think so. That’s not to say I haven’t dated guys, because I definitely have, but those experiences didn’t make it all the way to me being in love with him, and him with me.
At the moment (and thanks to the lockdowns) I like to watch some of the US reality shows usually based around relationships, e.g, ‘Married At First Sight’ and ‘Ready To Love’, and there have been occasions when a person’s ability to have a successful relationship has come into question, because they have admitted that they have never been in love or said “I love you” in past relationships. Is this a judgement in real life?
How do you know you’re in love though? Is it only “in love” when it’s reciprocated? I know I have had strong feelings for a man in the past, I’ve had the butterflies in my stomach, I’ve had him on my mind all day, but I’ve been told I was just infatuated. So, what would have made it love?
I have read that people who have never been in love can be known as ‘aromantic’ (a person who has no interest in, or desire for, romantic relationships). That is most definitely not me. I long for what I see being in love entails – the romance, the caring, the excitement. I am completely open to it, but I just can’t quite get there it seems.
I’m not letting this situation get me down though, I choose to believe that maybe I just haven’t met the right one yet. But I do wonder what people generally think of someone my age who has never been in love. It isn’t something I happily go around telling anyone who listens, because if I’m honest I feel slightly embarrassed about it, like I’d be looked at as someone behind in life who hasn’t grown up yet. But I would love to be in love with someone who is in love with me. I want to know the feeling of being the most important person to someone.
If you found out someone you’re getting to know has never been in love before, would you still pursue a relationship with them, or is that a red flag?
By Still Searching Spy
Dear Still Searching Spy,
What is Love… From the dictionary it is defined as a strong affection for another arising out of kinship, personal ties or sexual desire. Unlike infatuation which is seeing and wanting like a good Sunday dinner for me Love is taking all the good, bad and indifferent of someone as you get to know someone on that level as they call it and accepting them and their idiosyncrasies.
In accepting them, they will also be accepting you afterall it is a 2-way street, however, for some, Love is she slept or he slept with me so that is Love. For me it’s more than the physical it’s across that emotional rainbow A – Z. For me personally it is being with someone and knowing you want to share the smallest or biggest things with them and likewise so that an understanding develops and as a man for me at that stage I am openly saying to that person would you do me the honour of being my partner as with Love comes Commitment and Exclusivity based on the time invested together knowing each other – 2-4 months of dating. I do not want to leave any assumptions such as we have been dating for 2-3 yrs plus and wondering is she my partner or is he my partner but in committing to each other the Love is seeded in a garden of loam soil and is looked after from seedling to first shoot to weathering a storm or 2 and bearing fruit – and repeat that cycle .
Do not let this situation get you down and as we say every dog has its day and yours is coming and that’s not hopeful cliché but look at what you have achieved in life and having someone to share that with adds to it but is not the be all. Be at one with yourself – have your standards set and anyone coming into your life whatever the age will do likewise. You need 2 hands to clap but 1 hand can still feed you. The fact that you have not experienced love may also be due to the partners you have encountered… Were you just settling to have someone or were you both looking for the same things not just similar but the same things and most importantly seeing those signs and reading and understanding them.
Here’s to your first and perhaps last experience of Love… Keep safe and stay Blessed.